BUSH DISCOVERS HIS WMDs , AT LAST! (SATIRE)

" Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised”-George Bush, March 18, 2003


AT LAST Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs) have been revealed to the world. That this much awaited discovery happened right in front of the very person, who first told the world about the dangers of these secret lethal weapons hidden somewhere in Iraq is a double whammy! After all this was the man who started it all. It was he who even risked a trillion dollar war to pursue these elusive WMDs all over in Middle East!


Alas, the WMD was not to be found till the very end of his tenure. And, suddenly it was all over his face, at a joint conference in Baghdad on December 15, 2008 and just when he was bidding farewell to his beloved audience.


It manifested itself in a pair shoe that belonged to a 28-year-old nondescript Iraqi journalist, Muntadhar al-Zaidi. It was possibly the only weapon that the beleaguered common Iraqi was left with by the time Bush bade goodbye to his Middle East misadventure.


When the talk is about a shoe and a superpower, can one forget the one banged by Nikita Khrushchev, the powerful premier of the erstwhile mighty Soviet Union who once removed his shoe in the United Nations’ General Assembly and banged it on the podium infuriated by the remarks of a Philippino delegate? He did not throw his shoes at him, perhaps thinking that the delegate was not important enough to deserve it!


“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes,” said Mark Twain.


While Bush had already travelled halfway around the world to be at Baghdad on that fateful evening, Zaidi had not only completed putting on his shoes, but was preparing himself to throw them away. As the first of Zaidi’s shoes sailed towards Bush, he ducked to save himself. When the other shoe made its journey towards the presidential head, the Iraqi Prime Minister, Nouri Maliki, sprang to defend the dignity of the world’s only superpower.


Cricket aficionados in the Indian sub-continent might not have failed to notice the excellent reflex and surprising agility of Iraqi Prime Minister exhibited to intercept the flying object before it could hit its intended target. In that split second, Zaidi looked like an Islamic incarnation of the great South African cricketer Jhonty Rhodes who made it a habit to conjure up amazing catches out of thin air. Had the Iraqi Prime Minister pulled it off, just inches from Bush’s face, it could have been the “Catch of the Year” - possibly a more prized catch than Osama and certainly a major consolation for Bush who could not catch the fugitive during his term.


Physicists will, of course, scorn at the lazy and careless manner, in which Zaidi threw his shoes at such a high value target. The trajectory was just not perfect. May be he should have been more careful about the launch angle of his projectile. Careful, be always careful about it and don’t forget gravity in such situations, they would say. Forty-five degree to the horizontal is the way to get maximum range and please don’t mix it up your emotional energy. One definitely can conclude that Zaidi must not have been fond of physics in his early days if at all he was a student of science


Military strategists, especially those who swear by the efficacy of missiles in modern warfare, will marvel at the impact of this innovative missile. It was immediately clear from this episode that Iraqi underground resistance had been pursuing a highly clandestine but successful MDP (missile development programme). None of the countless Tomahawk missiles they had earlier hurled at Baghdad received such phenomenal accolade and publicity. This was after all an indigenous Ground-to-Air, Short Range Ballistic Missile (SRBM) designed to be operational at low altitudes. Yet, at least the first one, almost knocked down a superpower.


One shudders to think what would have happened if these would have been “guided missiles” (fit with electronic guidance system and thus capable of altering course midway) instead of being of ballistic variety. And the thing that really matters in missile based offence system is the total cost of deployment. The Zaidi missiles can be produced at less than $50 compared to half a million greenbacks that a single Tomahawk guzzles. Produced on a shoe-string budget, you would say! Even though both the missiles missed their target, we are sure that an in-depth aerodynamic analysis of their flight trajectory conducted by weapon experts at Pentagon could show their accuracy and resolution to be far superior to Soviet Scuds.


It is customary in India to offer garlands to Gods as a mark of respect and devotion. So if Indians get angry with their politicians (walking Gods in flesh and blood), they are not satisfied with just two shoes as Zaidi was but make a garland out of several and put it round the portrait of the politician who happens to face their wrath! They think, only that way the shoe would pinch.


You may well ask what Bush could have done when someone thinks that two shoes on his legs are not better than even one at Bush? Well he could have followed advice of the great apostle of non-violence, Mahatma Gandhi, who once said: “Three quarters of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world would vanish if people were to put on the shoes of their adversaries and understood their points of view.”